Paying for affection

A good friend of mine recently turned me on to the phenomenon that is internet gift swaps. She did one for Christmas and really enjoyed herself. She also is participating in a Valentine's Day swap and I decided, why not assure myself that I will, in fact, get a Valentine from someone other than my parents this year. So I signed up at An Island Life and am anxiously awaiting the revelation of my future Valentine. While I could just buy someone I actually know a Valentine, this way I know that I will be getting something in return. Whoever says they enjoy giving gifts more than receiving them has never given gifts and received jack squat for their efforts. Don't get me wrong. One of my favorite things in the world is thinking and finding the perfect gift for someone. But if that someone has never once in their life thought enough to get me a little token, their next gift from me might just be a flaming bag of poo.

The person who runs the swap had a little questionnaire for us to answer so that our gift giver might know us a little better. I am including it on here in case any of you readers feel the need to know just how much I love chocolate.

Questionnaire:

• What is your idea of a romantic Valentine’s Day?
  • There are two versions to this answer. The "I have a lover" Valentine's Day, and the "I am my own lover" Valentine's Day.
    
  • The "I have a lover" Day: I come home and he has cleaned my apartment for me. The dishes are done, the floors are vacuumed, the bathtub is scrubbed, the bed linen has been changed and the bed is made. We go out to dinner to a restaurant he knows I love that serves drinks he knows I love. It doesn't matter if it is fancy or casual, just so long as it was thought out and representative of me and my likes. There is a lot of laughing and overall goofiness. We come home, and there is chocolate in some capacity (fondue, cake, chocolate strawberries, a candy bar, whatever). Then, I receive a thorough massage. Then there is some lovin' after which be both fall promptly asleep in the new, clean sheets.
    
  • The "I am my own lover" Day: On my way home from work I stop at a chocolate shop and buy some assortment of delicious treats. If my friends are available, we go have a nice, meat intensive meal with beer and laugh at all the poor saps carrying around flowers looking longingly in their lovers eyes...or, more likely, fishing for conversation, trying to ignore the way their partner is still chewing with their mouth open and waiting impatiently for the check. If friends are not available, I go home, order Chinese food, eat it in front of the TV while watching "Amelie" or "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind." I make myself a bath complete with bubbles, grab a glass of red wine and my chocolates and just go to town. Then I take myself to bed, give myself some lovin' after which I promptly fall asleep in the sheets that haven't been changed for two weeks.
    
• In reality, what is your Valentine’s Day really like?
  • Actually, last years Valentine's Day was VERY close to the "I am my own lover" Day. Maybe you could substitute Chinese food for a Philly cheese steak. But then again, the "I am my own lover" day isn't all that different from any other night I'm at home except substitute the movie for trashy tv like "Rock of Love", and substitute nice chocolates for Reese's Pieces. Oh yeah, and the lovin' I give myself is much, much less tender.
    
• If you could have a lifetime supply of your favorite sweet indulgence, what would it be?
  • It is cruel to make me choose. I really really really love s'mores. They aren't practical without a campfire, but whenever they are present I eat them until I cannot physically swallow anymore.
    
• Is there any sweet treat you absolutely do not like?
  • Black liquorice makes me want to eat cow eyeballs in order to avoid it. Mike and Ike's too. Also, those candies that are shaped and colored to look like orange slices or lime wedges. Gross.
    
• If you fell into a pool of chocolate, how would you get out?
  • I would open my mouth let the chocolate flow in and swallow. Over and over and over. And over. There are two possible outcomes to this approach. 1. I swallow my way to the bottom and win the Guinness Book of World Records for most chocolate consumed in a single sitting or 2. I aspirate chocolate and drown with the aftertaste of its deliciousness as my last memory. I think it is pretty clear that it is a win-win situation.

I don't know how much the answers to this questionnaire will help guide anyone to things I may like (except for, well, chocolate), but it is what it is. In the end, Valentine's Day shouldn't be a downer. It is a nice time to tell the people that you don't want to regularly punch in the face that you appreciate and love them. Even if the only people you hear it from in return is your parents (and even if they only say it because they feel slightly obligated to do so just so you don't get so dejected you come back to live with them).

Human Heart

I'll be sure to keep you posted on the status and success of the swap as Valentine's Day comes and goes.

Bathe Me

Baths. I love them. Is there a more decadent, self-indulgent, relaxing activity than taking a long bath? I took a bath for the first time in awhile yesterday and it was divine. When I get around to really scrubbing my tub and committing to the bathing experience, I like to do it right. I do variations of the following things: mud mask, reading, candles, incense, bath crystals, bubbles, loofah, beverage (depending on my mood it could be wine, beer or coke zero), food I can pick at without creating a food in tub situation, cell phone, exfoliating scrub (though it isn't really ideal for the tub unless you want an exfoliated ass, which, as I'm typing it, doesn't sound like a bad thing after all) as well as a few other things that need not be mentioned in a public forum. Ladies, you know what I mean. I think my love of baths began at an early age. I had two favorite bathtime items. One was this Gilligan's Island floating...well...island. It had caves and hills and all kinds of cool stuff that the characters could stand on. I mean, what a great idea! A floating island for the bathtub. The other was bath foam. God how I loved bath foam. We had all different colors and you could put it in your hair and give yourself a mohawk. It was awesome. If I could get my hands on some bath foam, I would probably use it right now. We also had a scuba diver that ran on batteries and swam around the tub, but that kind of geeked me out. He would disappear beneath the bubbles and next thing you know you have a fin in your ass crack. Trust me, it isn't a fun way to remember you have a scuba diver in your tub. My parents had a jacuzzi bath in their house, and, in the bathroom with the jacuzzi bath, there was a tv. Talk about heaven. I think the shortest I ever stayed in that tub was an hour and a half. And damn, if there was a Real World marathon on, there was no way I was getting out of that tub until my skin hurt from pruniness.
And now, for my favorite bath of all...

Blue Lagoon

Iceland's Blue Lagoon. What more could you want from a bathing experience that geothermal heat, natural, cleansing body scrub, showers, lava, waterfalls, varying heat and Icelandic people? Nothing. Nothing.

Now go. Go enjoy a bath.

Another (for lack of mental fortitude)

Oh my goodness. Really, are the only things I can think to post lists? I don't know why I've been so list crazy lately (and by lately I mean the last two days). Does it mean I am taking stock of my life? Doubtful. Am I deluding myself into thinking people may care about the top 14 blahs I blah about? Most likely.

Favorite Smells
1. Sauteeing onions
2. Steak and garlic
3. Salamanca, Spain (jamon and bread)
4. Chlorine
5. Sandalwood
6. Arm and Hammer deodorant
7. Old Spice (god help me)
9. Aveda products
10. Lavender
11. Nag Champa
12. Brownies
13. The ocean
14. Apple cider
15. Campfire or fireplace fire
16. New books
17. Old beach books
18. Baby
19. McDonald's
20. Patchouli (I know. I KNOW.)

Lists (the first of many)

I am intimidated by the blankness of this blog, so I am going to make my first entry a series of lists. I realize that may not be the most interesting thing to read, but I need to just get something down. So. There.

T.V. shows I am enjoying watching and would recommend to someone I am trying to impress:
1. American Gladiators.
2. House, M.D.
3. How to look good naked.
4. Two and a Half Men.
5. Arrested Development.
6. Flight of the Conchords.
7. Curb Your Enthusiasm.
8. The Office.
9. 30 Rock.
10. Rock of Love.
11. Rob and Big.
12. Celebrity Rehab.

Things I think about while I am swimming.

1. The lyrics to whatever song was playing on the radio before I went under.
2. The lyrics to the song that has been stuck in my head all week.
3. What I am going to eat when I am done.
4. How I am going to initiate a conversation with a boy I like.
5. Witty anecdotes I can tell said boy.
6. Whether or not the lifeguard can tell that my swimsuit is creeping up my cheeks.
7. Whether or not I can finish my set without breaking to go to the bathroom.
8. Whether or not I could pee while I was swimming.
9. Whether or not anyone would notice if I did pee while I was swimming.
10. How many other people have peed in this pool.
11. All this thinking about peeing is making me have to pee more.
12. How I can't wait to have a newborn baby and take it to swim classes.
13. What my baby's name will be.
14. What my baby will look like.
15. What genes of mine I want my baby to have.
16. What genes of mine I do not want my baby to have.
17. So on and so forth.


Names people give children that I don't understand unless they are family names and even then, I'm not so sure.
1. Madison (I know it is popular, but I just don't get it)
2. Shamus
3. Plaxico
4. Audio Science
5. Siobhan (mostly because I have no idea how it is pronounced)
6. Any number.
7. Vondra (it is like a combination of names that confuses my brain)
8. Wyatt
9. White people named Jesus (are there any?)
10. Guy