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Monday, June 16, 2008
Going away present
I have two weeks left at my job. Sad isn't a strong enough word to describe how I feel about it. Forlorn maybe. It's not a bad thing. I am really excited about the next phase in my life, and I think my sadness about leaving is a testament to how wonderful my last five years have been and how happy I have been at my job. I work with the kindest and most loyal people imaginable. I'm at an age where most of my friends have a job for one or two years, an apartment for one or two years, and then move to the next thing, be that a new city, grad school, new job, whatever. But I was lucky enough to find a great life right after college, one that I wanted to stick with as long as reasonable. And the time has come to move on. And I am ready, but I am sad to let go too. I've always been pretty sentimental. Once when I was younger (though old enough that it was weird), my mom sold a car that she owned for a really long time. I sat in the garage with the car and sobbed for hours. I grow attached very easily and perhaps leaving a job or an apartment reminds me of all the other things that might also get left behind intentionally or unintentionally. To save this post from entering the overly sappy category, I leave you with the parting gift my building gave to me today. Three pigeons on my office windowsill doing it. A pigeon orgy. It was a sight to behold, one that I have never witnessed before, and I really wish I would have cleaned my windows at some point this year so that my pictures would have been less obscured. Actually, I didn't get a photo of them humping, they got camera shy and stopped. But I do have a photo of their post-coital chilling. I couldn't ask for a more appropriate send off.
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Friday, June 6, 2008
Top Ten Bonin' Songs- By Martin from Culturephiles
I was proud and honored to be invited to be – as far as I know – the first guest-poster on this, America's Favorite Blog. Eatingbears has been one of my favorites since its inception, so I am both thankful for the opportunity to post here, and hopeful that I will be able to live up to the high standards set by this blog's Mama Bear.
All that aside, my solemn charge was to provide my Top Ten Bonin' Songs. That's a lofty goal, considering the vast numbers of songs out there, the various styles and types of bonin' (even more types/styles than just "fast" or "slow," if you can believe it!), and the different moods that might inspire one to bone. I realized pretty quickly I could either spend three weeks meticulously combing my music library, or just put together the songs that popped out at me as I scrolled through my trusty iPod. It will probably come as no surprise that I have opted for the latter, considerably less rigorous, method. So I guess I think of this as less of a strict Top Ten List and more of a Ten Great-Jumping-Off-Points List. In making this list, I've also found that I am much more of a slow, soulful bone-song guy than a fast-paced, rough-riding bone-song guy. For what it's worth. At any rate, without further ado, and in no particular order:
Stairway to Heaven, Led Zepplin – My friend Joe, during a long van ride home to Chicago from Boston, described in graphic detail how he would make love to a woman to this song. I'm talking extremely graphic detail. For the ENTIRE song. That's no small feat, as it is a really long song. At any rate, I have always wanted to recreate his detailed lovemaking moves to this song. That probably won't ever happen, but I have to include this song on the list for that reason.
Coldplay's breakthrough album "Parachutes" is a great bonin' album, and Shiver is probably the best bonin' song off of it. Spies is actually a better song, but maybe not QUITE as good for bonin'. And Sparks might even be a better bonin' song than Shiver! Man, it's just a great album for bonin'. Too bad Coldplay will never do anything half as good ever again. (Yeah, I said it.)
Fast as You Can, Fiona Apple – I think this one is reasonably self-explanatory.
The Golden Age, Beck - don't let it distract you that "Sea Change" is one of the saddest records ever made, seemingly about, I can only assume, an absolutely earth-shattering breakup. It's also one of the great late-night records of all time, and this is a great late night slow-bone song. But only for slow bonin' late at night; this isn't gonna pep you up for a sunny, afternoon quick-bone or anything.
Cayman Islands, Kings of Convenience – this sweet, small song might be better suited for post-bonin' cuddling, but the gentle harmonies and lulling melody and exotic title/setting make for a great sunlit afternoon bone, when you can imagine yourself bonin' on the actual Cayman Islands. Unless you have really boned on the Cayman Islands, in which case a song by a Norwegian duo will probably do nothing to remind you of that experience.
Evening on the Ground (Lilith's Song), Iron & Wine – it's got an intensity and persistent drive that you need for bonin'. Also, there is a lyric "we were born to fuck each other one way or another" which, obviously, has more readings than just the obvious bonin' meaning, but you can't entirely discount the obvious bonin' meaning either! (Also, my apologies: the only YouTube link I could find for this song is a "fanvid" for the deceased (but beloved?) tv show Roswell! Wow, THAT makes me a bit uncomfortable with this pick.)
Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley – the somewhat obvious choice for long, slow, soulful, unbroken-eye-contact bonin'. Even though the song is primarily about the unendurable difficulty -- perhaps impossibility! -- of truly loving another person. (I am finding though, in creating this list, that good bonin' songs are much more about mood and sound than lyric. I guess that makes sense: who would pay attention to rhyme schemes and metaphors mid-bone?)
The Moneymaker, Rilo Kiley – it's got a down-and-dirty bass line, and some real kick-drum punch. Not all bonin' songs can be sensitive and tender. Lead singer Jenny Lewis successfully integrates suggestive moans into a song without quite sounding like Donna Summer in "Love to Love You Baby" (which wouldn't be a bad bonin' song either, now that I think about it). This video's emphasis on sad, tawdry porn isn't great, but the song by itself is pretty hot in a down & dirty way.
Secret Garden, Springsteen – this song (and video, natch) makes me think of Renee Zellweger back in '96 when she was hot in a weird way, instead of being totally gross in a weird way, a la today. If it's a problem for your bonin' partner that you might be thinking of old-fashioned, weird-hot Zellweger while bonin' this might not be a good pick for you. Or if your bonin' partner has always thought that Zellweger was weird-gross (a valid contention, she's always been on the razor's edge).
Nude, Radiohead – totally unintelligible, but moody and romantic and evocative. And the title is NUDE! Come ON! It's got to be good for bonin', even if I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what the song might actually be about. Intimacy? Emotional nakedness? Nah. Bonin'!!!
Bonus Bone Track:
Your Body is a Wonderland, John Mayer – just kidding! (Or am I?)
NOTE FROM EATINGBEARS PUBLISHER: Points go to Martin for the most use of the word bone or any derivation in a single blog post. Well done.
All that aside, my solemn charge was to provide my Top Ten Bonin' Songs. That's a lofty goal, considering the vast numbers of songs out there, the various styles and types of bonin' (even more types/styles than just "fast" or "slow," if you can believe it!), and the different moods that might inspire one to bone. I realized pretty quickly I could either spend three weeks meticulously combing my music library, or just put together the songs that popped out at me as I scrolled through my trusty iPod. It will probably come as no surprise that I have opted for the latter, considerably less rigorous, method. So I guess I think of this as less of a strict Top Ten List and more of a Ten Great-Jumping-Off-Points List. In making this list, I've also found that I am much more of a slow, soulful bone-song guy than a fast-paced, rough-riding bone-song guy. For what it's worth. At any rate, without further ado, and in no particular order:
Stairway to Heaven, Led Zepplin – My friend Joe, during a long van ride home to Chicago from Boston, described in graphic detail how he would make love to a woman to this song. I'm talking extremely graphic detail. For the ENTIRE song. That's no small feat, as it is a really long song. At any rate, I have always wanted to recreate his detailed lovemaking moves to this song. That probably won't ever happen, but I have to include this song on the list for that reason.
Coldplay's breakthrough album "Parachutes" is a great bonin' album, and Shiver is probably the best bonin' song off of it. Spies is actually a better song, but maybe not QUITE as good for bonin'. And Sparks might even be a better bonin' song than Shiver! Man, it's just a great album for bonin'. Too bad Coldplay will never do anything half as good ever again. (Yeah, I said it.)
Fast as You Can, Fiona Apple – I think this one is reasonably self-explanatory.
The Golden Age, Beck - don't let it distract you that "Sea Change" is one of the saddest records ever made, seemingly about, I can only assume, an absolutely earth-shattering breakup. It's also one of the great late-night records of all time, and this is a great late night slow-bone song. But only for slow bonin' late at night; this isn't gonna pep you up for a sunny, afternoon quick-bone or anything.
Cayman Islands, Kings of Convenience – this sweet, small song might be better suited for post-bonin' cuddling, but the gentle harmonies and lulling melody and exotic title/setting make for a great sunlit afternoon bone, when you can imagine yourself bonin' on the actual Cayman Islands. Unless you have really boned on the Cayman Islands, in which case a song by a Norwegian duo will probably do nothing to remind you of that experience.
Evening on the Ground (Lilith's Song), Iron & Wine – it's got an intensity and persistent drive that you need for bonin'. Also, there is a lyric "we were born to fuck each other one way or another" which, obviously, has more readings than just the obvious bonin' meaning, but you can't entirely discount the obvious bonin' meaning either! (Also, my apologies: the only YouTube link I could find for this song is a "fanvid" for the deceased (but beloved?) tv show Roswell! Wow, THAT makes me a bit uncomfortable with this pick.)
Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley – the somewhat obvious choice for long, slow, soulful, unbroken-eye-contact bonin'. Even though the song is primarily about the unendurable difficulty -- perhaps impossibility! -- of truly loving another person. (I am finding though, in creating this list, that good bonin' songs are much more about mood and sound than lyric. I guess that makes sense: who would pay attention to rhyme schemes and metaphors mid-bone?)
The Moneymaker, Rilo Kiley – it's got a down-and-dirty bass line, and some real kick-drum punch. Not all bonin' songs can be sensitive and tender. Lead singer Jenny Lewis successfully integrates suggestive moans into a song without quite sounding like Donna Summer in "Love to Love You Baby" (which wouldn't be a bad bonin' song either, now that I think about it). This video's emphasis on sad, tawdry porn isn't great, but the song by itself is pretty hot in a down & dirty way.
Secret Garden, Springsteen – this song (and video, natch) makes me think of Renee Zellweger back in '96 when she was hot in a weird way, instead of being totally gross in a weird way, a la today. If it's a problem for your bonin' partner that you might be thinking of old-fashioned, weird-hot Zellweger while bonin' this might not be a good pick for you. Or if your bonin' partner has always thought that Zellweger was weird-gross (a valid contention, she's always been on the razor's edge).
Nude, Radiohead – totally unintelligible, but moody and romantic and evocative. And the title is NUDE! Come ON! It's got to be good for bonin', even if I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what the song might actually be about. Intimacy? Emotional nakedness? Nah. Bonin'!!!
Bonus Bone Track:
Your Body is a Wonderland, John Mayer – just kidding! (Or am I?)
NOTE FROM EATINGBEARS PUBLISHER: Points go to Martin for the most use of the word bone or any derivation in a single blog post. Well done.
GUESTS!
Clearly I've been an uninspired blogger lately. Martin, from Culturephiles, noted my blog's recent illness, and perhaps death, and suggested it needed reviving. Reviving indeed! This suggestion sparked what I think may be one of the greatest ideas ever created. In order to breath a little life into Eating Bears, I asked Martin to be the first of hopefully many guest bloggers on this site. He obliged, on the condition that I write a guest blog for him. We chose a topic that fit both of our blog themes, his being all things cultural and mine being general depravity, often in the form of lists, and came up with a top ten list of songs to bone to. We would each come up with our own list, including justifications, and share them on each others blog. I am really excited about this idea because I have a lot of blogs I read that are pretty fantastic, and I would love to get their action on my site. Plus, it might get me out of a little blogging while still placating my adoring fans...all 5 of you. So, if you have a blog, and I read it, just be ready for me to ask you to guest star on Eating Bears. And if you wish to publish under a pseudonym to protect your good name from the tarnish associated with this site, that could be possibly be arranged. You can check out my list at Culturephiles.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Whose got the funk?
I am in a seriously funky mood today (maybe a little yesterday too). So, I honor of this funk (and maybe in an effort to get it out of my system) I am going to make a list of funky things.
Funk (or more specifically things that gross me out or piss me off):
1. Feet (looking at them, touching them, anything having to do with them)
2. Flip flops, especially on men, anywhere except the beach or a public shower (see above)
3. Pepsi
4. Popcorn kernels that get stuck forever in your teeth.
5. Parking tickets for expired meters that are issued less than five minutes before you get there
6. Prom hair
7. Excessive horn honking
8. Long finger nails on men
9. Men in skinny jeans
10. Doing dishes
11. Ordering transcripts
12. Flat pop
13. Slow computers
14. Expired milk, yogurt, sour cream, etc. (especially when you forget, and count on them being viable when you are planning your evening)
15. Hummers (the car, not the BJ)
16. Having to pee really bad, but not wanting to get out of your chair
17. Menstruation
18. Getting rained on when it's cold
19. When women who play sports wear bows and ribbons in their hair
20. Rhinestones
21. Cigarettes
22. Movie theater bathrooms
23. People chewing with their mouth open
24. Gum smacking
In an effort to break my funk, I've been watching this, thanks to Tina, and it has really been helping. Also, I'm getting pretty good at a lot of those moves.
and, for no reason...
The thing I really would like to eat right now:
1. Cream filled powdered dougnut
Funk (or more specifically things that gross me out or piss me off):
1. Feet (looking at them, touching them, anything having to do with them)
2. Flip flops, especially on men, anywhere except the beach or a public shower (see above)
3. Pepsi
4. Popcorn kernels that get stuck forever in your teeth.
5. Parking tickets for expired meters that are issued less than five minutes before you get there
6. Prom hair
7. Excessive horn honking
8. Long finger nails on men
9. Men in skinny jeans
10. Doing dishes
11. Ordering transcripts
12. Flat pop
13. Slow computers
14. Expired milk, yogurt, sour cream, etc. (especially when you forget, and count on them being viable when you are planning your evening)
15. Hummers (the car, not the BJ)
16. Having to pee really bad, but not wanting to get out of your chair
17. Menstruation
18. Getting rained on when it's cold
19. When women who play sports wear bows and ribbons in their hair
20. Rhinestones
21. Cigarettes
22. Movie theater bathrooms
23. People chewing with their mouth open
24. Gum smacking
In an effort to break my funk, I've been watching this, thanks to Tina, and it has really been helping. Also, I'm getting pretty good at a lot of those moves.
and, for no reason...
The thing I really would like to eat right now:
1. Cream filled powdered dougnut
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Women's Locker Room: Vortex of Crazy
For the second day in a row there has been a woman in her mid fifties just sitting in the locker room for over an hour doing nothing. Both yesterday and today, she was there when I came in, and she was there when I left in the exact same position. Yesterday, she was in her underwear, eyes closed, headphones on, chin resting on chest, just sitting there. I almost went up to her yesterday to see if she was alright (ie. alive). But she was perched on a stool, and I figured if she was dead or unconscious, she would probably fall over. Today she was sitting on the couch in her swimsuit. Eyes closed, headphones on. She was there from the moment I got there to the time I left, doing the exact same thing. Here are some ideas I've been tossing around regarding what she might possibly be doing (not in order of likeliest).
1. Embracing an out of body experience
2. Strengthening her core
3. Trying to remember her locker combination
4. Communing with the dead
5. Getting the Led out
6. Conducting a sit in to protest her monthly fee
7. Air drying
8. Listening to self hypnosis tapes
9. Meditating
10. Writing the great American novel in her head
11. Practicing telepathy with her hubby in the men's locker room
12. Making everyone around her uncomfortable
It had been awhile since I went to the gym, so I am eager to see if this behavior continues (both the lady sitting without clothes for hours and my continued pursuit of health and fitness. Given her demonstrated commitment and dedication to whatever she is doing, I suggest placing money on her.).
1. Embracing an out of body experience
2. Strengthening her core
3. Trying to remember her locker combination
4. Communing with the dead
5. Getting the Led out
6. Conducting a sit in to protest her monthly fee
7. Air drying
8. Listening to self hypnosis tapes
9. Meditating
10. Writing the great American novel in her head
11. Practicing telepathy with her hubby in the men's locker room
12. Making everyone around her uncomfortable
It had been awhile since I went to the gym, so I am eager to see if this behavior continues (both the lady sitting without clothes for hours and my continued pursuit of health and fitness. Given her demonstrated commitment and dedication to whatever she is doing, I suggest placing money on her.).
Friday, April 25, 2008
Headspace: Thoughts 1-11
Thoughts that have been occupying my headspace lately (in no order of importance to me):
1. How nervous was Daniel Radcliffe when he performed full frontal nudity on stage after months of hype?
- What were his biggest fears? Not living up to size expectations? Becoming aroused? Cellulite?
2. Are there non virgins who have never had their boobs felt/ felt a boob?
3. Why is Tina Fey so funny and how can I become her? And if I cannot become her, how can I befriend her in a non creepy way?
4. Why would anyone ever send me this website (WARNING: Contains pictures of poo)? And why did I look at it twice?
5. Do people who use the internet for dating have something seriously wrong with them, and if so, does that mean that since I have used the internet for dating, I have something seriously wrong with me?
6. Am I less charming in person than I think I am in my head (because that would explain a thing or two)?
7. Why do dressing rooms ever, EVER, use harsh overhead lighting and mirrors that make you look anything other than 10 pounds lighter?
8. If I had to pick only one song to karaoke, would it be something from Led Zeppelin or would it be the Ying Yang Twins? Which would get more applause if I actually sang it with conviction and without gasping for breath?
9. Are there people who really like going to the dentist?
10. Do anti-Semites hate matzo ball soup just on principle?
11. How weird will it be to dissect a human in medical school? Will it be weirder having my fellow classmates do OMM on me? Especially when they have to touch my butt? Will it be weirder for me to do it on them? Will I want to be partnered with someone I'm attracted to, someone I'm unattracted to or someone of my same sex (attractive or not)? What if someone (especially me) passes gas during the process? Is there anything one could say (either the person who did the deed or who heard it) to make that less awkward and uncomfortable? Can you ask someone out on a date while you are manipulating their skeletal system? Does that fall into the category of creepy?
Please feel free to provide answers to these questions. The more honest, the better.
1. How nervous was Daniel Radcliffe when he performed full frontal nudity on stage after months of hype?
- What were his biggest fears? Not living up to size expectations? Becoming aroused? Cellulite?
2. Are there non virgins who have never had their boobs felt/ felt a boob?
3. Why is Tina Fey so funny and how can I become her? And if I cannot become her, how can I befriend her in a non creepy way?
4. Why would anyone ever send me this website (WARNING: Contains pictures of poo)? And why did I look at it twice?
5. Do people who use the internet for dating have something seriously wrong with them, and if so, does that mean that since I have used the internet for dating, I have something seriously wrong with me?
6. Am I less charming in person than I think I am in my head (because that would explain a thing or two)?
7. Why do dressing rooms ever, EVER, use harsh overhead lighting and mirrors that make you look anything other than 10 pounds lighter?
8. If I had to pick only one song to karaoke, would it be something from Led Zeppelin or would it be the Ying Yang Twins? Which would get more applause if I actually sang it with conviction and without gasping for breath?
9. Are there people who really like going to the dentist?
10. Do anti-Semites hate matzo ball soup just on principle?
11. How weird will it be to dissect a human in medical school? Will it be weirder having my fellow classmates do OMM on me? Especially when they have to touch my butt? Will it be weirder for me to do it on them? Will I want to be partnered with someone I'm attracted to, someone I'm unattracted to or someone of my same sex (attractive or not)? What if someone (especially me) passes gas during the process? Is there anything one could say (either the person who did the deed or who heard it) to make that less awkward and uncomfortable? Can you ask someone out on a date while you are manipulating their skeletal system? Does that fall into the category of creepy?
Please feel free to provide answers to these questions. The more honest, the better.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
40 X 365: 37. A Man Without Love!
37. A Man Without Love!
I can listen to this song over and over and still not get tired of it. I imagine it is an anthem for broken hearted, emotionally sensitive yet repressed men who need Engelbert Humperdinck’s words to truly express their loneliness.
I can listen to this song over and over and still not get tired of it. I imagine it is an anthem for broken hearted, emotionally sensitive yet repressed men who need Engelbert Humperdinck’s words to truly express their loneliness.
Engelbert Humperdinck - A Man Without Love
A Man Without Love - From the Movie Cigarettes and Romance (starring James Gandolfini)
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